I know lots of people say, “He who hesitates is lost,” but I’m counting on that being at least partial wrong, because if there’s anything I do to perfection it is hesitating.
You see, it was actually one Sunday in February 2010, that I posted my first “confession” as a died-in-the-wool devoutly Mormon mystic. Here’s a portion of that first entry:
Wow! We made it to Sacrament Meeting just in time, thanks to my (as usual) losing track of time and getting caught up in learning how to create a “blog.”
Fortunately, the prelude music was still playing and the sounds of the congregation was settling down to a low, comfortable, warm hum. As any of you know who have ever attended a Mormon sacrament meeting, the fellowship between the members is part of what some would refer to as a mystic union, a coming together in Christ.
As my husband, Phil, and I settled onto a couple of empty chairs in the overflow area at the back of the chapel, our bishop’s 1st counselor stood up to greet the congregation, and begin the meeting. As soon as the prelude music stopped so did the low hum of voices. Only the vocalization of small babies could be heard scattered throughout the congregation.
I must admit, preoccupied as I was with my decision to out myself as a mystic, in such a potentially public way as this online blog, I heard very little of the announcements, opening song, or even the opening prayer. It wasn’t until the until the words of the sacrament hymn pierced through my reverie that I stopped musing and started praying. And like the congregational prayer in the form of the hymn, In Humility, Our Savior modeled, I spoke directly to Jesus:
. Lord Jesus, dearest Savior, I’m so grateful to be here. I am so grateful for the chance to partake of the sacrament’s sacred and deeply mystical symbolism.
And immediately, I heard with my spiritual ears:
I’m grateful that you are thinking so reverently of what the bread and water represent, Colleen. And I’m also grateful that you are finally ready to heed my invitation to create a public blog where you can share your testimony of my willingness to converse with you—with all of you—as not only my servants, but as my friends.
Then, while the bread was being passed, I had to get honest with the Lord about my double-mindedness.
Lord, I’m actually pretty shaky about being so disclosing of my spiritual life and my spiritual experiences. In doing this, I’m afraid I’m a lot like the man in Mark 9, who admitted his own combination of belief and unbelief. And just like him, I am in tears as I plead, ‘Lord, help Thou my unbelief.’
Gently I felt the words form in my mind once again:
Sharing your the story of your spiritual journey is upon my own invitation, Colleen. Remember Helaman’s son, Nephi, who I led to pray aloud on the wall of his garden, where others would hear him. So you see, there is a precedent for what you are doing. But more importantly—most important of all—I, the Lord, am calling you to this act of faith in me.”
As these words entered my mind, I felt the peace that only Christ can bestow settle into my heart. I felt God’s testimony to me that I could trust Him and His purposes, in leading me, many years ago to believe and embrace the Prophet Joseph’s words:
It is the first principle of the Gospel to know for a certainty the Character of God, and to know that we may converse with him as one man converses with another (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 345).
And so, today, I return to this blog site, trusting the Lord in my own life and actions, trusting in His testimony that, “as often as my people repent will I forgive them…” (Mosiah 23:30).
In my heart, I am most assuredly one of His people, because like Peter, I could not leave Him, for only He “hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).